Someone Has to be the Guinea Pig...

I am proud to say that I am the very first in my family not only to go to college, but also to go to law school.  That being said, my family has no clue what law school is like or what the legal profession is really like.  Recently I talked to a family member who said that I was probably going to be "set for life."  I did not know what to say to this, as I expect utter hell ahead of me to find a job - and I have little to no hope of success.  I have also considered joining the military, teaching English outside of the US, or leaving the US upon graduating for other work as other options.  I fully expect to have to settle for one of these options.  After all, who am I, a bottom of the class law student in a lower tier law school, with very little work experience and no connections, to expect something better?  I have also prepared myself for work at Starbucks or in Fast Food, as I at least have experience with that sort of thing, and while I hated it, one has to do what one has to do to survive.  I have resigned myself to the idea that I will never own my own home or partake in any such large purchase using credit.

Being the first in my family to go to college and law school, I have realized that I am the guinea pig.  When I started my undergraduate 'career' I took out much loan money.  I did not live at home, nor did I consider that a viable option at the time due to issues that were taking place at home during that time in my life.  As such, I incurred much extra debt to cover rent.  At the time I lived in Seattle, WA shortly after the wake of the 9/11 attacks.  The airline industry, which is huge in Seattle, was severely hurt due to the attacks.  Boeing and other large companies had laid off many workers, making the unemployment in Seattle and Washington state skyrocket.  Finding a job at that time was quite hard, so I did school instead of finding a job.  Sometimes I sit back, and think, to the sounds of NIN or Rancid blasting loudly on speakers behind me, what would have life been like if I had went to work instead of school?

I moved out of state and transferred schools to finish my undergraduate degree.  After that I moved to the east coast for law school as I was not accepted to any of the west coast schools I applied at.  I am sure this is quite common, as I know of a lot of TTTT and TTT students on the east coast from places such as California, Washington, Oregon, etc.

As I have gone through college and know the reality of the college 'experience' and the 'real job market' that exists after college, I could help my own children with the whole college experience.  Problem, I do not plan on having children (never felt the want to) and I don't think I would have any with such debt even if I wanted some (which, again, I don't).  Therefore, even though I have served as the Guinea pig, I will not have any children of my own to tell about the results of this experiment.  Therefore, I am a wasted experiment in many ways.

Yesterday I was told a niece of mine is gearing up to go to college.  She lives on the west coast and I don't talk to her, except when visiting (once every couple years, maybe).  She is from a lower income family and her mother has done a couple years of college, but never finished.  Like me at one optimistic time, my niece probably imagines that college will lead to wealth.  Her boyfriend comes from a family that is, according to her mother, 'well off'.  Of course, the boyfriend's parents are boomers who succeeded partly due to college.  Surely these boomers paid little for their educations and are reaping the rewards.  If my niece goes to college, surely she will end up 'well off' just like them, right?

I imagine she will one day have children of her own, and one day can be the Guinea pig of her family, telling them about her college experience and the results of it.  Who knows, maybe my niece will find success.  Maybe she will win the college lottery.  I hope she does.  Since her mother has some college experience, I am sure she can benefit from learning about not taking out loans and living at home.  After all, I was informed that she does not want to talk out loans at the outset.  That's great.  I wish I knew not to back then.

I will graduate law school with around $200,000 in loans.  I do not share this tid bit often as it's somewhat disheartening to think about.  However, at the same time, I know my situation, and I know that even if I make $100,000 I will not be able to buy a house for a few years.  I know, however, that I will not make this kind of money out of law school.  People at my school who think they can make this much, and who are not in the top 1-2% of the class or who are not well connected are fools.  There is no nice way to put it.  It's the honest truth.

However, that being said, they too, in a way, are Guinea pigs.  They will eventually realize the absolute hell that is before them.  They will have the sleepless nights, the fear of the reoccurring nightmares of law school, and the unending lament of having went to law school in the first place.  Many will break.  Some will kill themselves (oh yes, they will).  Others may end up in prison, which, may not be a bad alternative, as there is no debt and job search in there to worry about (sore rears, that's another story).  Others will flee the country, feeling the shame of not being able to have paid back their debt.  Having left the US on a few occasions, the idea of leaving the country does not bother me.  However, what does bother me is not having a choice.  What bothers me is having WASTED years on getting a worthless education.  I have learned a lot through college, but I could have learned it all on my own without paying $200,000.

What a waste...

Student Loan Debt | Law School Suicide?

I have read that suicide in the law profession is one of the highest amongst all professions.  I am no lawyer yet, nor do I know if I ever will be one.  However, I must say that as of late, the thoughts of suicide have come into my mind.  Late at night, lingering in my mind.  Consuming my thoughts.  Penetrating my psyche.

First, I don't think of myself as a suicide risk.  I have played with the idea years ago of ending my life, but now I have things in my life that are too precious to kill myself for.  My family, my pets, my friends, my World of Warcraft account with a level 85 Restoration Druid, Warlock, 2 Mages, and a Priest.  The Warlock alone probably makes my life worth keeping around, as I have gotten immense pleasure off leveling him.  For the Horde!

When I was very young, around 18ish, I once played around in a chat room, depressed out of my mind about a girl that I thought I loved who dumped me.  I told the chat room that I would kill myself!  Later that night the police came by to check up on me.  I told them that I was not going to kill myself.  It seems that some woman in that chat room called the cops on me.  That's when I realized that it was not good to even talk about suicide.  No one in my family ever found out about this dark event.

For the last few nights I have found myself awake late into the night, depressed out of my mind.   I have read things on these scam blogs that people in society do not understand.  I started college a few years ago hoping that I would one day make a decent living.  I thought I would be happy with around $50,000 a year.  In fact, coming from a very poor background, that seemed like a huge amount of money to me.  As I graduated with a bachelor's degree, I realized I would be happy with $30,000, but the chances of me getting it seemed nil.  So, I went on to law school, figuring I could make at least that amount and have a "respectable" career.  Now, it turns out, that dream was not really viable.  In fact, while I may find a job that pays decently, chances are I won't.  It's not a good bet.  And not one that should be taken lightly.  It's a losers game. 


Anyway, late in the night, while staring up at the ceiling, trying to focus my mind on something besides law school I found myself playing with the idea of offing myself.  I realized that this was not something I should be thinking about, as I have much to live for, and it made me feel even worse.  How could I have gotten to this point?  How could I, during 1L, have had so much hope for the future, and now, being a 2L, feel that it's all a waste?  It's all dismal.  It's not worth it.  I feel that I am going to, in the end, only have debt to show for my accomplishments.  I feel in the end, all I will be remembered for is that guy in the family who got so much education but had so much debt and never could find a real job.  It's a sobering and depressing thought, and perhaps my greatest challenge-greater than the torts final and corporations final, and taxation final will be learning to live with the fact.  The fact that I am doomed to failure.  The fact that I really had no chance at all. 

I made a mistake.  And a costly one.  One that will surely haunt me for the remainder of my life.  Keep this in mind, 0L's, as you begin your education.  Think about taking a couple years off, trying to find a decent job, and forgetting about law school until some changes are made.  You have all your lives to go to law school.  It will be around in a decade.  Until then, get some good experience in the real world, and try your hand at paying back that undergraduate debt.  Chances are you will realize that you were better off not going to law school.  Chances are you will find something more valuable than learning the coveted black letter law.  Your time, dear reader, is better spent than learning how to brief a one hundred year old case.