Man of Industry

It was only a few months ago when I met this "man of industry".  I knew he'd be large in many things.  He walked out from my sister's house, greeting me with a grin.  This was not any house, mind you.  This was a home.  Sitting on the edge of a cliff surrounded by thousands upon thousands of pines, overlooking some of the most beautiful back country in Idaho, it commanded an awesome view. 

The man's eyes gazed on me.  It was the first time we met.  He had wedded my sister and was now gearing up to make his way to the Emerald City, a.k.a. Seattle.  And deep in the living room, with a baby suckling, was my sister.  She had a look of emptiness on her face.  She stared blankly at me when I walked in.  With this marvelous mansion surrounding her, I wondered how she could be anything but giddy.

The man of industry sat next to her.  His new son continued to drink from her as his father grinned at me.  This man was proud of his accomplishments.  Behind him windows that were four times as tall as he was took in the landscape.  He looked me up and down, as if I was a threat to him.  He smiled.  We spoke.

"How do you like it over there?" He asked, regarding my home in New York.
"I like it." 
He was amazed.  He hated it.  "I used to go there for business.  I hate it."
"I see."

His words were spoken quickly.  He knew what he liked in life.  He also knew what he did not like.  He was large, like the house he was in.  His woman, my sister, at his side, said little.  She was annoyed at my presence most likely.  We have never been close.

"What are you doing?"
"Law school."

He was not impressed.  Many laymen may be impressed when you tell them law school, but not this man.  By now, you are probably wondering what this man of industry does for a living.  He told me that he was buying this amazing house from a man who owned a helicopter company.  The company went under shortly after the crash of '08.  He was now unloading the house, and brother-in-law was going to take over everything. 

"What are your plans for life?" he asked.  This was where he was sizing me up.  He wanted to see what kind of threat I was. 

"I don't know.  Maybe start a business," I said, meekly.  It was right then that I realized that I had no plans or goals.  I was just sailing along.  Just in law school at the time, hoping to "do my best".  Hoping against all odds that I would find that amazing job and find that my worries were for naught.  Maybe the scam blogs will be wrong for me, I thought.  But this man slapped me back into reality when he asked me that question.  How can I expect to be different than the others?  Some of them went to T6 schools and they can't find jobs!  How can I expect to do better?  And look at this man's house!  It's huge!  And his child, his 9th!  Surely he is doing something right! (keep in mind, he was married once before)

"Why don't you have any children?" He asked.  I laughed inside.  Truthfully, I do not want children.  That is something that I am adamant about.  I have never had the desire to reproduce.  "I don't really want any."  Having nine children himself, he was perplexed.

"I love all my children," he said, looking down at his son.  "I would never do anything differently."
Of course not, I thought to myself.  You have it all.  He then leaned back and fell asleep as I sat there, staring at that view beyond.  The family dog came out and tugged at my pants and the other kids would be arriving home from school soon.  Sister was quiet for the most part, but eventually showed me the place.  We went into the basement and then to the loft.  I saw the bedroom where he had a massive bed all surrounded by toy trucks.  The bathtub was her "pride and joy" as she put it.  Outside on the deck was a hot tub.  The loft was where their office was. 



About an hour later we parted ways.  Surely now, you wonder what this man of industry does for a living.  It's not something that one may think.  He had no higher education whatsoever.  In fact, when my little cousin was talking about going to college, he told her college was stupid.  Just right out told her.  If there's one thing about this man of industry, it's that he's a straight talker.  In fact, he's just a regular ol' truck driver.  He hauls cars across the country for a living.  That's it!  No fancy office job, no MBA or PhD.  No JD.  Heck, I don't even know if he finished high school.  He sits behind the wheel of a big rig and claims to make well over $100k a year.  No student debt. 

Something for you all to think about.

Law school graduation's a comin' (class of 2013)

Graduation has long been a proud time for every person and every family.  College graduation has always been a big shindiggle in which families would get together one one would feel 'mighty proud' about their accomplishments.  Graduation is a milestone.  A time to look back at the challenges one has endured and see that they got past those challenges.  Graduation.  Mine will happen in 2013.  I imagine a big auditorium.  Perhaps something grand.  I picture hundreds of people all dressed in purple and black robes walking down and picking up their diplomas.  I picture it hot.  We're all sweaty and excited.  The room smells of perfume and dripping deodorant.  There is the dean, sitting up in front with a few of the distinguished professors to his side.  The audience is loud but is not quieting down.  I would be shaking now, if I had went. 

Instead I am at home.  Law school is done.  I will probably not go for an LLM.  OK, I obviously will not go for an LLM.  Instead, I will be trying to ignore everyone who may be 'congratulating' me.  Some may not (my mother, for instance, forgot I was going to law school).  That's fine.  I would rather have it that way.  If my whole family forgot that would be interesting.  I never invited anyone to my undergraduate graduation, nor did I go to that.  I am sure many will be upset that I am not going to my law school graduation.  That's fine.  Some things in life require a person being upset over.  Life is not all candy canes and marshmallows.  They will just have to be upset.

That being said, I am not looking forward to my graduation.  It is no longer a time to celebrate.  What should I be celebrating?  A lack of jobs?  Having to find something in which I can earn money?  The loans that I have to now pay back?  Instead, I am considering looking for jobs elsewhere.  The military may still take me.  If not, there's plenty of work overseas.  I could maybe join the Peace Corps.  Of course, all of this I could have done without a law degree.  I imagine I will just enlist with the military.  No officer position.  I considered JAG, but I hear that's crazy-hard to get into now.  I could try to sell car insurance in Mexico.  I have always liked it down there to be honest, and I know that they have different insurance rules.  Having a law degree may help me understand those rules better.  Of course I would have to aprendar español.  Solo un poco ahora. 

What to do, what to do?  I can not help wondering what the other graduates of the class of 2013 are going to do?  What is the class of 2012 doing?  Looking for work, but what about the creative ones who realize that law isn't their cup of tea?  Am I the only one? 

Visiting family: The Topic of Law School.

I posted before about how I was nervous to go visit family because everyone would be asking me questions about law or saying how rich I would one day become.  However, having been here for a week, only one person has mentioned it in passing.  In fact, nobody has even asked me about law school nor have they mentioned anything else about it.  In fact, after having been away for two years, it's as if they forgot I even go!  It's kind of strange to be honest, but I can't complain too much about it, even though I wonder why people have not mentioned it.

Perhaps these blogs are doing their part in making people realize that law school is something one does not discuss.  Maybe it is a dark topic, such as how much money one makes a year, or how many STDs one carries with them?

Of course, I still have a week here, and things may change.  However, I highly doubt school will be mentioned at all.  Part of me wondered if it's because I come from a very poor family and some may not like me doing school (first in family to do it, blah blah blah).  Maybe it's because I am not too talkative and have not brought it up myself.

I worried for months that people would ask all sorts of questions or ask for legal advice.  However, that being said, some members of my family are just strange and I don't think that they want to discuss such things.  Sometimes when the news came on here and legal topics were mentioned, or when everyone was watching Perry Mason and Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, etc. I wondered if people would mention law school to me.  But nope, they seem to have actually forgot I go to law school!  Isn't that just the darnedest thing?!

I even had a phone interview for an internship and nobody asked a thing about it (even though I ended up getting scared and not answering the phone -- maybe I'll write more about that later).

There was one person, not a family member, but a person here who I met, and he asked about me going to college, and I said I was going to law school.  Here is how it went down.

Him: So what are you planning on doing?
Me: I go to college right now.
Him: For what?
Me: Law.
Him:  Oh, you're going to be a stinkin' lawyer huh?
Me: I don't know, to be honest.

(Keep in mind this guy is a truck driver, who owns a huge beautiful home on a cliff overlooking a valley and mountains below.  He has his own company and obviously does very well at it.)

Him:  Oh yeah?  Then what are you planning on doing?
Me: Well, I can use my degree to do something else (I felt stupid saying this, even though it is technically possible).  Maybe I'll try to work for a non-profit or a company.
Him:  I see.

One more week and I can get back home and enjoy my summer.  Diablo III is out and I am dying to play it. That is the summer I have ahead of me, and it is going to beat the hell out of any unpaid "Internship/slavery" that everyone else is doing.

Recontacted the mentor, but I ask: Why?

At least one of my readers told me to get back in contact with my mentor.  So I did.  I figured there is no harm in at least writing her a letter.  Further, I was honest.  I have not talked to her since this has occurred, and to be honest, part of me wonders what the point is.  Before, I bother with that though, I shall let you read the letter:

TO THE MENTOR
Hello,

I am writing you as I have been bad with keeping in touch with you.  For that I am sorry.  I had a very rough semester, and to be honest, I was somewhat afraid to get back in touch with you due to not having much going for me.  Due to moving and financial aid issues my grades were quite bad.  I did not fail any classes, but I was quite upset to see that I did poorly in a couple of my classes.  Further, I was forced to leave my position in (city) due to trying to find a place to live and being asked to skip class, which I could not do.  I have felt like a failure, and honestly wonder if law school is worth it for me to continue.  I did quite well during my first year, mostly due to hard work.  I know that grades are very important to employers, and have been slowly looking for summer work.  I have also considered focusing on just getting a job instead of trying to be picky about finding something in my field.  Further, I have applied for a couple of clinics and other positions for the fall.  I keep hearing how awful the economy is now and how that even the top performers are not able to find work.  I guess the thing is, it's very disheartening at times.

Anyway, I wrote you as I wanted to update you on things and let you know that I am sorry for not keeping in touch better.

Talk to you soon,

THE REPLY

Dear Terrified Law Student, Let's get together real soon and schedule a call even sooner. Can I meet you or call you some time today? Believe me, I know that life can be tough. But I've found that it helps to talk. I'm here for you.

-Mentor

***


First, the more I study and the more I think about it, the more I realize I do not want to practice law.  I would rather work in a non-profit or, hell, even barely subsist than deal with that day in and day out.  Second, I am worn out from all this hassle.  Third, I am figuring that I'd rather teach English abroad in Asia (a place I have traveled to and enjoyed) or join the military (enlisted, not officer) than be a lawyer.  Fourth, I continue hearing from my family that "they are so proud of me."

I have not posted on this blog in a while.  I figured that I should focus on my studies.  I should read every page given to me.  I should attend every class.  I should outline myself.  I should focus on school.  Lucky for me I was not called on this semester, which was nice.  Instead, I was able to completely focus on my classes.  But in the end, I still think "what's the point?" 

A few months back I posted a letter my grandparents wrote to me about how I should not drop out.  I have not spoken to them since that letter and, honestly, am quite angry that they mentioned it.  Further, other members of my family have bombarded me with comments such as "you are going to do so great!"  "we are so proud of you!"  "Terran (a psychic who gave me a palm reading during my childhood) always said you would go far!" (More on this in another post, as I don't believe in psychics). 

The truth is, I am quite angry.  Next week (5 days actually), I am going back home for the first time in two years (since starting law school).  I am not ready for the bombardment of questions (the inquisition). 

Yes, I got back to the mentor, but we have not met again (nor have we talked on the phone).  Further, the more I think about it, the more I do not want to practice law, so what is the point of calling the mentor?  What is the point of meeting up with her?  I don't know. 

One year left.  It's going to be interesting.

Student Loan Debt | Law School Suicide?

I have read that suicide in the law profession is one of the highest amongst all professions.  I am no lawyer yet, nor do I know if I ever will be one.  However, I must say that as of late, the thoughts of suicide have come into my mind.  Late at night, lingering in my mind.  Consuming my thoughts.  Penetrating my psyche.

First, I don't think of myself as a suicide risk.  I have played with the idea years ago of ending my life, but now I have things in my life that are too precious to kill myself for.  My family, my pets, my friends, my World of Warcraft account with a level 85 Restoration Druid, Warlock, 2 Mages, and a Priest.  The Warlock alone probably makes my life worth keeping around, as I have gotten immense pleasure off leveling him.  For the Horde!

When I was very young, around 18ish, I once played around in a chat room, depressed out of my mind about a girl that I thought I loved who dumped me.  I told the chat room that I would kill myself!  Later that night the police came by to check up on me.  I told them that I was not going to kill myself.  It seems that some woman in that chat room called the cops on me.  That's when I realized that it was not good to even talk about suicide.  No one in my family ever found out about this dark event.

For the last few nights I have found myself awake late into the night, depressed out of my mind.   I have read things on these scam blogs that people in society do not understand.  I started college a few years ago hoping that I would one day make a decent living.  I thought I would be happy with around $50,000 a year.  In fact, coming from a very poor background, that seemed like a huge amount of money to me.  As I graduated with a bachelor's degree, I realized I would be happy with $30,000, but the chances of me getting it seemed nil.  So, I went on to law school, figuring I could make at least that amount and have a "respectable" career.  Now, it turns out, that dream was not really viable.  In fact, while I may find a job that pays decently, chances are I won't.  It's not a good bet.  And not one that should be taken lightly.  It's a losers game. 


Anyway, late in the night, while staring up at the ceiling, trying to focus my mind on something besides law school I found myself playing with the idea of offing myself.  I realized that this was not something I should be thinking about, as I have much to live for, and it made me feel even worse.  How could I have gotten to this point?  How could I, during 1L, have had so much hope for the future, and now, being a 2L, feel that it's all a waste?  It's all dismal.  It's not worth it.  I feel that I am going to, in the end, only have debt to show for my accomplishments.  I feel in the end, all I will be remembered for is that guy in the family who got so much education but had so much debt and never could find a real job.  It's a sobering and depressing thought, and perhaps my greatest challenge-greater than the torts final and corporations final, and taxation final will be learning to live with the fact.  The fact that I am doomed to failure.  The fact that I really had no chance at all. 

I made a mistake.  And a costly one.  One that will surely haunt me for the remainder of my life.  Keep this in mind, 0L's, as you begin your education.  Think about taking a couple years off, trying to find a decent job, and forgetting about law school until some changes are made.  You have all your lives to go to law school.  It will be around in a decade.  Until then, get some good experience in the real world, and try your hand at paying back that undergraduate debt.  Chances are you will realize that you were better off not going to law school.  Chances are you will find something more valuable than learning the coveted black letter law.  Your time, dear reader, is better spent than learning how to brief a one hundred year old case.

Visiting Family for the First Time Since Starting Law School...

I am now in my second year of law school and this summer I will be going to visit my family.  The last time I visited them was before I left for law school.  It has been almost a year and a half, and while I have not had to constantly hear questions about being a future lawyer, I have been asked for some legal advice on occasion as well as heard the comments regarding how I am going to be the first in the family to be a lawyer and what not.

I am sure most of you hear something like:  "it will be good to have an attorney in the family!"  That is, unless there is already one in the family.  There is not one in my family.  I will be the first.  It is truly a thrilling time for the family.  A real treat for us all.

Back when I started this blog, I wrote a post called Don't Drop Out! in which I said that I mentioned to my family that I was considering quitting law school.  After a while of not commenting on this topic, it sort of died off.  I have not heard as much about law school since then, however, I am kind of dreading going back to where I grew up and being bombarded with questions about the law and my future legal career.  I have in the past been asked countless times by people what my concentration is going to be.

What kind of lawyer are you going to be?
Me:  My goal is to be the employed kind. 

What kind though?  Don't you get a choice, like ambulance chaser or litigator?
Me:  I... Maybe that one.

Seriously, though.  I am dreading the trip back.  What ever happened to the golden days of college where one went back home during a break in their studies and felt good about what they were doing.  You know, the first in the family, telling everyone about the joys of college.  About how we were learning so much.  About how we were excited to start work.  All I can think about is how scary it is going to be in a year and a half.  About how everyone expects me to find a good job, and how I don't even know if I will be able to find one at all.

Perhaps those 'golden days of college' are a myth.  Or maybe it's reserved for those Harvard and Stanford types.  Not us second, third and fourth tier law students.  But most parents don't know the difference.  I tried to explain it once to someone, but they just shrugged and pretty much said 'a law degree is a law degree'.  I remember at the orientation how someone who was talking about the joys of law school said:

"Don't worry too much about your class rank.  Even if you are dead last you'll still be called Esquire."

While that is true, is the title worth the money spent?  It's more of an honorary title if anything.  And, you still have to pass the bar in order to get it.  If you are dead last that might be a problem.  Of course the law schools don't tell you that. 

I have a feeling that the remark above encompass much of what my family thinks of law school.  It doesn't matter how well you do as long as you graduate, and if you do, you're set for life.  No matter what many of us tell our families, it is not believed.  And when we can't find jobs, and we try to say, "I told you so," they see us as the failure.  Or maybe they see it as bad luck.  After all, those lawyers on TV have jobs, and there are law offices everywhere!  How can there not be enough jobs?! 

I can't help but wonder how many other people have gone through or are going through a similar situation.  I am sure I am not in the minority.