Selling Your Soul for a Job

"Litigation or Transactional?"

There's a lot of talk about it being hard to find a legal job in this economy.  For instance, many people are graduating from law school and undergrad and are finding that getting a job isn't quite as easy as they thought it would be.  Some people are glad to move back in with Mother and Father, but for some of us adults, that is and can never be a real option.  For some of us, we would have to move into a homeless shelter before we would move back into our old bedroom or even sleep in the foyer with the dog.

Others have friends that they can bum off of for a while.  Some of us are comfortable with the idea of sleeping on a fold out sofa and taking over a good friend's livingroom until he gets angry and kicks us out onto the street.  It beats living with the parents, but it's not a big step up.

So, what if you want to get an actual job after college but nobody is calling you back.  Maybe the jobs are asking for too much,  For example, this ad on Craigslist states[1]:

***

Who I'm looking for:
- Top 15% of your class (law school's "brand name" is irrelevant)
- Graduated undergrad with honors (undergrad's "brand name" is irrelevant)
- Undergraduate degree in: Accounting, Business, Economics, Finance, Mathematics, Statistics, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Computer Science, Engineering, or Music.
- WILL NOT ACCEPT anyone with an undergraduate degree in: English, History, Political Science, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, Art History, Religion, etc.
- Lawyering skills coursework (appellate advocacy, trial advocacy, pre-trial advocacy, negotiation, drafting)
- Grade of A- or higher in: Legal Writing, Civil Procedure, Torts, Property, Business Associations, Family Law, and Tax.
- Grade of B+ or higher in: Contracts, Evidence, Trusts & Estates, and Legal Research.
- Interest in any of the following practice areas: Personal Injury, Medical Malpractice, Products Liability, Employment Discrimination, Copyrights, Trademarks, Real Estate, Landlord & Tenant, Creditor & Debtor Rights, Bankruptcy, and Land Use & Zoning Regulation.

***

Now, this man is nice enough to not care if you went to Cooley or Columbia, Fordham or Fleetwood Mac Law School for the Blind, but he does want you to be in the top 15% of your class, and for 85 percent of us, that is not going to get us an interview with his firm.  And even if some of us did get in the top 15%, we might have majored in something like English, Political Science, or Psychology.  So, what now? 

Well, I know a good way to get a good job, but it's something that people tend to look down on.  But, as October rolls in, it might be time to be thinking creatively.  For some of you, Bar results were good.  You passed and you are now really thinking "I need a job, and I need one now."  Well, the devil's busy this time of year, but I hear that there are better ways to conjure him than to buy a book such as:



You see, some books and websites have these long spells in which one summons Satan.  Some of these spells require you twist and turn your body in strange contortions, use strange herbs that you can't get at your local grocery store, and light a ton of expensive candles.  I know that I can't afford candles at this point in my life!  

However, there is a quicker way in which to summon the devil from the grave.  You just say, three times fast: Beelzebub. 

Now, before you start chanting, you first must be careful in what you want to ask for and I want you to consider what you are willing to give.  The devil usually wants souls, but sometimes he'll take something else.  Also, the devil doesn't discharge student debt.  But he can get you a job usually.  So, now that you know the devil is well connected, you have to consider where you want to work.  Do you want to work in a big firm or maybe some boutique firm?  Do you want the $160,000 a year job or would you rather sit back and work only 25-30 hours a week for the $75,000 job?  Sometimes those kinds of jobs let you telecommute from Hawaii I've heard. 

Recently, I heard some dark words being repeated in the basement of my very own law school.  I have heard that there is some witchcraft being practiced down there (some law schools even teach witchcraft I've heard!)  Now, at first I was a bit scared, but I soon came to the realization that it's only a job searching strategy for those who were not able to luck out during OCI. 



Do you want a job bad enough to send your resume to the depths of hell?  Are you willing to literally step into the fire for the chance to interview?  It is a dark time for many, and the only way in which some of us can expect a job is by asking the devil politely to put in a good word for us at a decent firm.

Another point of advice:  The devil really doesn't like the "quick conjure."  Most people, when summoning the prince of darkness, rely on potions, dead sheep, pentagrams made of sand, and a buttload of incense.  When you shout "Beelzebub" three times fast, you're kind of cheating.  It's like cutting in line.  People are sitting around in their bedrooms with real questions and wishes, such as for Stephanie Meyer to write a new Twilight Book, and they have gone through about $100 in materials, and here you are, a law graduate, cutting in line, asking for a three figure job!  With that in mind you have to realize that this is going to upset the devil somewhat.  So, don't get all picky with firm names and partner tracks and all that.  Also, don't ask for a corner office with a long legged secretary.  You have to be happy with just the job for now.  Of course, you only have one soul, but if you want the quick summon you have to be willing to give something up.

Also, there are many people who would rather be unemployed than give away their soul.  I understand the sentiment.  I have posted other job opportunities that are available, such as "You Shoulda Been a North Dakota Oilwoman."  Now that the oil is all drying up, you may want to consider some other options.  There's always a chance to get into Plumbin'.  In fact, I have a certain brother-in-law that loves to unclog toilets and makes some serious $$$ka-chingalinga$$$ doing so.  In fact, we call him "Daddy Warbuck$" even though his kids were lost in a divorce.  Again, a testament to the brutality of life.

If you want, you can try waiting a little while before making up your mind.  The Devil's been sitting around down low for a long time now and I don't think he's going anywhere.  See where your class rank gets you.  Maybe you will be able to get the job that was mentioned above.  Maybe you can make your rank rise from where ever it is now to the top 15%.  Just hope that you did well in your first year courses (A in torts) and didn't major in Celtic Studies. 

As for me, I am thinking that what I did hear down low in the law school basement was the conjuring up of ol' goat face.  I know that there was something sinister going on in those lower levels and I can be sure that some kid is getting ready for a job post-graduation.  I wonder how long it will be before schools start reporting who got jobs due to selling their soul to the devil and not by virtue of the school's career services office.  Something to think about. 

Next Up:  You shoulda been a...

----

[1] Text of the full ad on Craigslist:

Looking for Partners (Bayside, New York)

---

Date: 2012-10-10, 10:45PM EDT
dzbw9-3330674577@job.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

We've all ran across stories about the harsh legal job market. 2,300 minimum billable hours for $70,000 a year. The appropriate response is, of course, **** you. You didn't put in 3 years of your youth and $150,000 or more in order to make less than $40 per hour (even though you bill at $250-$350 per hour) and be expected to work more than 40 hours per week. Unfortunately, instead of businesses seeking the most qualified people to join the team, they're seeking either the dumbest or most desperate people to join their team - in order to take advantage of them and pay them as little as possible. Over the long run, I believe this is a bad business strategy, because it leads to costly turnovers, lower quality work product and results, harm to the business's reputation, and cutting corners with honesty and ethics.

I am looking for a third year law student, a 3L, graduating in the Spring of 2013. In lieu of a salary, you will get to keep 35% of your billable hours. The firm's share of employment taxes is not included in, and will not be deducted from, that 35%. That means you actually get to keep 35% of your labor. Take a moment and do the math on a $160,000 per year salary. It's basically $60,000 per year base salary, plus overtime. In other words, you're basically earning $33.34 per hour based on working 1,800 hours per year. What are you billing for? Let's pretend your work gets billed for $250 per hour. You generate $575,000 per year in fees for the firm, and you keep $160,000. In other words, you get to keep roughly 27.83% of your labor (160/575). The rub doesn't stop there. You're told you need to have a minimum of 2,300 "billable" hours per year, which translates to 72+ hour work-weeks throughout the whole year. The money you're being paid isn't even worth the quality of life you're giving up. The real rub is the lack of transparency. Maybe you've worked 3,400 hours in a year, and maybe your firm has actually billed 3,100 hours of your time to clients, but told you they only billed 2,300 hours? How would you know?

I'm giving the right person the opportunity to start out his or her career by keeping 35% of his or her labor. Over time, that percentage will either go up, or you may be offered a partnership interest in a percentage share of the firm's net profits. No minimum billable hours! Extremely flexible hours and schedule. A quality law firm starts with a quality business culture. I value flexibility, understanding, compassion, respect, fairness, and the happiness of everyone in the firm. If you're not happy, I'm not happy, and chances are, somewhere down the road, a case or client is going to suffer. Minimizing stress, maximizing communication and transparency among those you work with, and growing together professionally is the kind of firm environment I aspire to have.

The matters we handle include:
- General Civil Litigation (breach of contract, torts against property, business torts)
- Commercial Civil Litigation
- Business Law (Corporate, Partnership & LLC)
- Wills, Trusts & Estates
- Family Law
- Taxation (Corporate, Partnership & LLC, Estate & Gift, Individual, International, Non-Profit Organizations & other Tax-Exempt Entities, Bankruptcy, Real Estate, State & Local)

Who I'm looking for:
- Top 15% of your class (law school's "brand name" is irrelevant)
- Graduated undergrad with honors (undergrad's "brand name" is irrelevant)
- Undergraduate degree in: Accounting, Business, Economics, Finance, Mathematics, Statistics, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Computer Science, Engineering, or Music.
- WILL NOT ACCEPT anyone with an undergraduate degree in: English, History, Political Science, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, Art History, Religion, etc.
- Lawyering skills coursework (appellate advocacy, trial advocacy, pre-trial advocacy, negotiation, drafting)
- Grade of A- or higher in: Legal Writing, Civil Procedure, Torts, Property, Business Associations, Family Law, and Tax.
- Grade of B+ or higher in: Contracts, Evidence, Trusts & Estates, and Legal Research.
- Interest in any of the following practice areas: Personal Injury, Medical Malpractice, Products Liability, Employment Discrimination, Copyrights, Trademarks, Real Estate, Landlord & Tenant, Creditor & Debtor Rights, Bankruptcy, and Land Use & Zoning Regulation.

Include a PDF copy of your resume' and unofficial self-prepared law school transcript. Please also indicate whether you prefer to be contacted through e-mail or telephone or text message. That's it. No cover letter, no writing sample, no list of references, or anything of that sort.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Alex

• Location: Bayside, New York
• Compensation: 35% of all your time that is actually billed to any client.
• This is a contract job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 3330674577