Should I marry a person with student loan debt?

No matter who you marry, you're still on the bottom.

One of my readers asked me: "Should I marry a man (or woman) with student loan debt?"  I am no woman, but I will tell you that student loan debt is a serious issue right now in this country of ours.  For example, it is said that over $1 trillion dollars is tied up in student loans.  That's a lot of money!  However, the truth is, student loan debt is owed in different amounts by different people.  For example, some people owe only a few hundred dollars, while others owe over $300,000!

Here's an interesting story about a guy who could not pass the character and fitness portion of the bar exam due to student loan debt:  character & fitness fail for law school graduate due to student loans.  Now that's scary, because I will be graduating with over $150k in student loan debt (his debt was $170k).  That being said, this is something to seriously consider for the law student and for the would be spouse of a law student or graduate.  Do you want to be marrying into that kind of debt?
(Please, do yourself a favor and don't read the comments of the link above.  They are awful.)

Related Post: Suicide and Student Loan Debt.

Now, let's just back up a second.  Money is one thing, but so is love.  Some people are more into money than love, and others are more into love than money.  Some people have visions of an adult life full of wealth and prestige.  $adly, for these people, the real world may be knocking soon, and chances are, their fantasies will soon be crushed by reality.  Others have dreams of a perfect relationship.  This, in my opinion, is easier to get to than the world of wealth and prestige.  I have seen people on the lower end of the socioeconomic stratum that were deeply in love until their death.  However, this is not generally the case if the two people can not get past the issues of money.

Money is a powerful force in our world.  People are obsessed with it.  Many would give almost anything for money.  Relationships are born and die due to money.  Many divorces are the result of lifestyle and money issues.  Two individuals that could have been happy together end up otherwise due to the disagreements brought on by money woes.  Money in itself is not evil.  It's just a way to buy and sell, just as trading is a way to exchange items.  However, many people do not understand the intricacies of money, and many think that money is the end of everything in life. 

I would say, in response to the question, if a person should marry another person with student loan debt: it depends.  Do you know how to deal with money?  Does that person share your same views in regards to money and how to spend?  Are you both frugal, or is only one of you?  If one person is frugal and the other is not, chances are there will be strife.

For example, I have known people who are very frugal and are/were married to individuals who liked to spend.  The frugal person would work hard to save, and the spender would work hard to spend.  Everything that one person would try to put aside the other person would spend!  It is very hard to avoid strife in that kind of relationship.  Before getting married, two people should try to figure out how they plan on spending money.  Put together a budget and a list of goals.  Do you both share the same dreams of buying a house, moving to the suburbs, having six kids and a minivan?  Do you both want a state of the art time share in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico?  Well, that won't happen if one of the spouses needs the newest clothing every other week, or if one of the people demands on carrying the newest gadgets.

Sadly, the people who I see who have money differences generally get divorced and fight over money (and often children) issues for the remainder of their youth.  This is no way a marriage should be.  So, I say, if you are thinking of getting married to a person with debt, you must ask if you are both willing to tackle that debt.

Second, ask: Are we both willing to live under our means for the first few years at least?  (If so, read my first post on being frugal.)  Chances are you will both be working to pay off that large debt for a long time.  It may mean putting off a house or a minivan or oodles of children for a few years.  There is no reason you can not have some things, but you can't expect to have your cake and eat it too.  There are always trade offs in life, and there will be in such a relationship.  You just have to be realistic.

If you both can agree on the way you manage money, savings plans, goals, and spending patterns, and you both love each other, there is no reason why you should not both get married.  There are far worse things in the world than marrying a person with inordinate student debt.

Being Frugal

A frugal life can be a full and fulfilling life.  Sometimes I go to the Frugal Forum on Craiglist.org which is full of it's characters, but overall, there is some good advice to be had.

When I was a child my parents once went on what I like to call a "frugal rampage".  We had been spoiled for a while, but my parents decided to change up the game some.  We changed from a very consumerist household to one that tried to live simply.  I think part of the reason was that we had moved from a medium sized city to a very small town of around 550 people.  My parents wanted a simpler life, and I hated that as a child. 

Now as an adult, I find myself sometimes craving that simple life.  Why spend so much money on things that just break or go out of style?  Why spend yourself into deeper debt (chances are you are already in debt)?  Do material items really satisfy a person, or do they make a person crave only more?  Does one need to have the things that their neighbors have?  I have found that excess material possessions only tie me down in life.  I am not against having some things.  For example, I love listening to my iPod while on the train on my way to school, and I believe I will always have one until a better device is invented.  However, if my iPod was destroyed, it would not destroy my life. 

I have lately been experimenting more and more with frugality and living a simpler life.  I have always spent a lot less money than most of my friends and classmates.  I have also found that I have enjoyed living a simpler life.  I enjoy taking the bus from place to place instead of the hassles of car ownership.  Even when I lived in a medium city a couple years ago and the bus system left a lot to be desired, I opted to use it instead of driving.  I figured the money I saved on buying a vehicle, insurance, and gasoline was worth it.  Also, I knew I would not be getting a parking ticket.  I had to do a lot of planning to go to certain places, as the buses sometimes only ran once an hour to places I frequented.  But, I made it work and did not worry financially.  And it didn't make my life horrible. 

When I started law school I thought I would probably be making $60-75k+ out the gate.  I was excited to have a lot of money, but I was used to living far under my means.  I did not think I would buy a car (I still planned on taking the bus and possibly renting a car when I had clients).  I figured I would still live in a small studio apartment, even if it was not here in New York.  I considered buying a small piece of land somewhere in which I could have some place in nature to build a small place (such as a cabin) and grow things and develop it myself.  Maybe I would prepare it for my retirement and rent it out until then?  I don't eat out very much, and when I do I don't spend much at all.  I figured that would be the same, even if I made a lot of money.  And I was fine with that. 

I have realized that much of what society tries to sell us is not a necessity to have a happy life.  I do not have cable and I don't watch the news or many shows.  What I do watch is via Netflix (Star Trek being my favorite lately).  I don't feel the pull of commercials telling me how I should live my life, or what I should be happy with.  I don't have the television news telling me how I should aspire to live, or how others my age are doing in life.  I don't have to feel negative about my life when I see a commercial of a professional younger than me driving a late model BMW!  In fact, giving television up has done me a lot of good.  Not only has it saved me money, but it has raised my self-esteem. 

I also don't pay a huge cell phone bill.  I have one of those pay-as-you-go phones and use free internet programs for other calls.  In fact, I rarely even take my cell phone out with me.  I don't see the point of paying for a data plan when I can do all that at home.  It has never hindered me, and not having to pay $50 a month has saved me a lot of money.  Maybe as a lawyer I would need that, but I don't as a student.

Some may think that my life sounds boring.  I enjoy it a lot.  It has provided me challenges, and I enjoy meeting those.  I know I can live pretty much anywhere with the strategies I use, and I know that if I find myself with extra income, I will be able to put it away instead of feel the need to spend it.  There is something nice about a simpler life.  I can't really explain it, but many of the people I have met who live simply are happy people.  Many even have a lot of money set aside. 

Click here to read about Little Darcy Hookhands

As far as the Craigslist forum I mentioned above.  There is a difference between living simply and denying yourself anything.  Some people try to not spend a dime, instead digging out of dumpsters and living in rags.  That is fine if that is one's only means of temporary survival.  However, time is a resource, and spending inordinate amounts of time to save a few dollars does not make much sense.  One thing about living frugally and ignoring much of the media is that you find out what you really want in life, and you find yourself not caring about what you don't want in life.  Life is quite amazing when one does not feel the need to be a mass consumer.

Man of Industry

It was only a few months ago when I met this "man of industry".  I knew he'd be large in many things.  He walked out from my sister's house, greeting me with a grin.  This was not any house, mind you.  This was a home.  Sitting on the edge of a cliff surrounded by thousands upon thousands of pines, overlooking some of the most beautiful back country in Idaho, it commanded an awesome view. 

The man's eyes gazed on me.  It was the first time we met.  He had wedded my sister and was now gearing up to make his way to the Emerald City, a.k.a. Seattle.  And deep in the living room, with a baby suckling, was my sister.  She had a look of emptiness on her face.  She stared blankly at me when I walked in.  With this marvelous mansion surrounding her, I wondered how she could be anything but giddy.

The man of industry sat next to her.  His new son continued to drink from her as his father grinned at me.  This man was proud of his accomplishments.  Behind him windows that were four times as tall as he was took in the landscape.  He looked me up and down, as if I was a threat to him.  He smiled.  We spoke.

"How do you like it over there?" He asked, regarding my home in New York.
"I like it." 
He was amazed.  He hated it.  "I used to go there for business.  I hate it."
"I see."

His words were spoken quickly.  He knew what he liked in life.  He also knew what he did not like.  He was large, like the house he was in.  His woman, my sister, at his side, said little.  She was annoyed at my presence most likely.  We have never been close.

"What are you doing?"
"Law school."

He was not impressed.  Many laymen may be impressed when you tell them law school, but not this man.  By now, you are probably wondering what this man of industry does for a living.  He told me that he was buying this amazing house from a man who owned a helicopter company.  The company went under shortly after the crash of '08.  He was now unloading the house, and brother-in-law was going to take over everything. 

"What are your plans for life?" he asked.  This was where he was sizing me up.  He wanted to see what kind of threat I was. 

"I don't know.  Maybe start a business," I said, meekly.  It was right then that I realized that I had no plans or goals.  I was just sailing along.  Just in law school at the time, hoping to "do my best".  Hoping against all odds that I would find that amazing job and find that my worries were for naught.  Maybe the scam blogs will be wrong for me, I thought.  But this man slapped me back into reality when he asked me that question.  How can I expect to be different than the others?  Some of them went to T6 schools and they can't find jobs!  How can I expect to do better?  And look at this man's house!  It's huge!  And his child, his 9th!  Surely he is doing something right! (keep in mind, he was married once before)

"Why don't you have any children?" He asked.  I laughed inside.  Truthfully, I do not want children.  That is something that I am adamant about.  I have never had the desire to reproduce.  "I don't really want any."  Having nine children himself, he was perplexed.

"I love all my children," he said, looking down at his son.  "I would never do anything differently."
Of course not, I thought to myself.  You have it all.  He then leaned back and fell asleep as I sat there, staring at that view beyond.  The family dog came out and tugged at my pants and the other kids would be arriving home from school soon.  Sister was quiet for the most part, but eventually showed me the place.  We went into the basement and then to the loft.  I saw the bedroom where he had a massive bed all surrounded by toy trucks.  The bathtub was her "pride and joy" as she put it.  Outside on the deck was a hot tub.  The loft was where their office was. 



About an hour later we parted ways.  Surely now, you wonder what this man of industry does for a living.  It's not something that one may think.  He had no higher education whatsoever.  In fact, when my little cousin was talking about going to college, he told her college was stupid.  Just right out told her.  If there's one thing about this man of industry, it's that he's a straight talker.  In fact, he's just a regular ol' truck driver.  He hauls cars across the country for a living.  That's it!  No fancy office job, no MBA or PhD.  No JD.  Heck, I don't even know if he finished high school.  He sits behind the wheel of a big rig and claims to make well over $100k a year.  No student debt. 

Something for you all to think about.