Should I marry a person with student loan debt?

No matter who you marry, you're still on the bottom.

One of my readers asked me: "Should I marry a man (or woman) with student loan debt?"  I am no woman, but I will tell you that student loan debt is a serious issue right now in this country of ours.  For example, it is said that over $1 trillion dollars is tied up in student loans.  That's a lot of money!  However, the truth is, student loan debt is owed in different amounts by different people.  For example, some people owe only a few hundred dollars, while others owe over $300,000!

Here's an interesting story about a guy who could not pass the character and fitness portion of the bar exam due to student loan debt:  character & fitness fail for law school graduate due to student loans.  Now that's scary, because I will be graduating with over $150k in student loan debt (his debt was $170k).  That being said, this is something to seriously consider for the law student and for the would be spouse of a law student or graduate.  Do you want to be marrying into that kind of debt?
(Please, do yourself a favor and don't read the comments of the link above.  They are awful.)

Related Post: Suicide and Student Loan Debt.

Now, let's just back up a second.  Money is one thing, but so is love.  Some people are more into money than love, and others are more into love than money.  Some people have visions of an adult life full of wealth and prestige.  $adly, for these people, the real world may be knocking soon, and chances are, their fantasies will soon be crushed by reality.  Others have dreams of a perfect relationship.  This, in my opinion, is easier to get to than the world of wealth and prestige.  I have seen people on the lower end of the socioeconomic stratum that were deeply in love until their death.  However, this is not generally the case if the two people can not get past the issues of money.

Money is a powerful force in our world.  People are obsessed with it.  Many would give almost anything for money.  Relationships are born and die due to money.  Many divorces are the result of lifestyle and money issues.  Two individuals that could have been happy together end up otherwise due to the disagreements brought on by money woes.  Money in itself is not evil.  It's just a way to buy and sell, just as trading is a way to exchange items.  However, many people do not understand the intricacies of money, and many think that money is the end of everything in life. 

I would say, in response to the question, if a person should marry another person with student loan debt: it depends.  Do you know how to deal with money?  Does that person share your same views in regards to money and how to spend?  Are you both frugal, or is only one of you?  If one person is frugal and the other is not, chances are there will be strife.

For example, I have known people who are very frugal and are/were married to individuals who liked to spend.  The frugal person would work hard to save, and the spender would work hard to spend.  Everything that one person would try to put aside the other person would spend!  It is very hard to avoid strife in that kind of relationship.  Before getting married, two people should try to figure out how they plan on spending money.  Put together a budget and a list of goals.  Do you both share the same dreams of buying a house, moving to the suburbs, having six kids and a minivan?  Do you both want a state of the art time share in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico?  Well, that won't happen if one of the spouses needs the newest clothing every other week, or if one of the people demands on carrying the newest gadgets.

Sadly, the people who I see who have money differences generally get divorced and fight over money (and often children) issues for the remainder of their youth.  This is no way a marriage should be.  So, I say, if you are thinking of getting married to a person with debt, you must ask if you are both willing to tackle that debt.

Second, ask: Are we both willing to live under our means for the first few years at least?  (If so, read my first post on being frugal.)  Chances are you will both be working to pay off that large debt for a long time.  It may mean putting off a house or a minivan or oodles of children for a few years.  There is no reason you can not have some things, but you can't expect to have your cake and eat it too.  There are always trade offs in life, and there will be in such a relationship.  You just have to be realistic.

If you both can agree on the way you manage money, savings plans, goals, and spending patterns, and you both love each other, there is no reason why you should not both get married.  There are far worse things in the world than marrying a person with inordinate student debt.

Telling My Date About My Student Loan Debt

So, I was able to go on my date.  It wasn't much, but it was sure a lot of fun (and something I truly needed)!  We walked around, went to an Indian restaurant, and went to the park and had ice cream.  We also went to Target to get some school supplies (her idea -- she likes to buy stuff early).  I got a few notebooks.  I don't use a laptop in class, I like the old pen and paper method.

We talked a little bit about school.  I told her that I am going to law school and I mentioned how expensive it was.  She mentioned that she had some debt herself and that she was not crazy about having to take out loans, but she felt she had no other option.  She didn't seem put off by the fact that I have over $150k in debt.  I was scared to death to tell her this.  However, I did feel bad saying it.  It's a lot harder to say it than it is to just think about it.

In the park, while eating ice cream, I asked if she had a good time.  She said yes and continued to eat.  I think that is a good sign.  I had a good time too.  I am a bit old fashioned, so we did not kiss on the first date.

I felt good about myself for not letting my status as an indentured member of the higher education world hold me back on my date.  I never know how a person will react when I tell them of my debt.  I remember a few years ago telling a coworker of mine that I had about $50k in loans.  I remember his little mouth falling open and him gasping "wow".  It was the first time I felt bad about it.

College Loan Debt as "Good Debt"

Recently I listened to JDPainter on NPR state that he thought college debt was good debt.  I always heard the same thing.  Financial books would always speak of "good debt" and "bad debt" and the college loans were always on the good side (credit card debt is the bad stuff).  However, it's starting to change to where college loans are seen as bad debt.  I think any debt that gets a person's jaw to drop is bad debt.

How to tell someone about your college loans.

Since I mentioned I told my date about my college loans, and survived, I wanted to post a blog entry about telling a friend or girlfriend/boyfriend about your college loan debt.  Telling someone else about college debt can be terrifying.  If that person is someone you find yourself wanting to be with, telling them about debt can be horrifying.  So, how does one tell another person about the massive loans they took out?

1.  Stay Cool.

First, you don't want to appear scared yourself about the debt.  If you are scared about your college loan debt, chances are you will scare the other person with them.  You will want to make them feel that you feel at least someone secure in the debt.  For example, you may say the following:

"I have a debt load from my education.  I just wanted to let you know.  It's about $185,678.22, give or take."

2.  Pick a good time.

Picking a good time to tell that other person about your debt is a great idea.  Imagine it like asking for their hand in marriage.  The situation has to be right.  For example, you would not want to ask that other person to marry you in Wal-Mart (or would you?).

You may want to consider a relaxed place, like a park or the beach.  Further, you could consider looking presentable.  Dressed up maybe?  Also, don't tell him/her if he/she is having a bad day.

3.  Show you are in control.

Showing the other person that you have control over the situation is important.  Mention that you are fully aware and committed to programs such as IBR and the like.  However, don't flat out lie.  Don't say, "my school pop's out grads who start at $75k min, but most of us are on track to make $160k."  Even if the schools said it to you, you don't want to spread that kind of information.  On the same token, don't say that you expect to be destitute and never able to pay back a dime.

4.  Turn it into a positive.

It's kind of crazy, but one can make that massive debt seem like a good thing.  How, you ask?  Well, you can state that it's your chance to spread your legs...err wings I mean.  For example, state that you have always been drawn to the exotic.  Canada, Cambodia, South Korea, New Zealand (this helps a lot if she/he likes Lord of the Rings or Xena: Warrior Princess), or Costa Rica are all said to be nice places to live free of student debt.  If she has longed to travel, this may be appealing.  Of course, some people are terrified of leaving the United States, and this may not be the most positive idea.  If that is the case, you can ignore this particular advice.



5.  Get him/her to believe that you find it to be somewhat worth it.

For example, you can say that "I have always wanted to go to college, and I am the first in my family to do it.  Further, this law degree is something that was important to me.  On balance, I feel like I am one step closer to achieving the goals that I set out for myself."  This shows that you are a "go-getter" or goal minded.  People seem to respect people who create a goal and go towards it.  Tell that other person that your next goal is to tackle your debt (or emigrate to Kenya).  Chances are they will swoon like no other.

***

There is a chance the other person may be put off by your telling them about your student loan debt.  If that is the case, you are better off telling her now than waiting until later.  Why waste time with someone who will not understand that you come debt saddled?  There are plenty of people out there who have debt of their own and still long for someone like you.  Telling that other person is hard, but in the end, you will feel better for having done it.  Believe it or not, there are some very nice lovable people out there who are more impressed with someone who has a college degree and don't care too much about the debt.  It's romantic to have to tackle something together.  And yes, many of these people still have all their teeth!

I would like to end this post with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Bad Religion.  I don't know why, but it seems fitting:

You Are (The Government)
Bad Religion, Suffer 1988


Hey sit down and listen and they'll tell you when you're wrong.
Eradicate but vindicate as "progress" creeps along.
Puritan work ethic maintains its subconscious edge
As Old Glory maintains your consciousness.
There's a loser in the house, and a puppet on the stool,
And a crowded way of life, and a black reflecting pool,
And as the people bend, the moral fabric dies,
The country can't pretend to ignore its people's cries.
You are the government.
You are jurisprudence.
You are the volition.
You are juridiction.
And I make a difference too.