Epistle 7: Behold the Mighty Paralegal

Dear Disgruntled Law Grads:

Recently, there's been much discussion of making attorneys more "practice ready."  Please, stop.  You're only embarrassing yourself further, as this option already exists.  It's called being a paralegal, and you declined it in your pursuit of the prestigious riches of lawyerdom (which do, despite your claims otherwise, exist).

Have you ever actually looked at what they teach paralegals?  I'm guessing not, since you couldn't even be bothered to read the fine print (and do your own verifying research) on our misleading employment statistics.

Here is the syllabus for an introductory paralegal course in real property at Oakland University, a place not even (yet!) blessed with a law school.  Note that the class appears open to undergraduates, as many - if not most - paralegal studies courses are.

Here is a list of some of the topics covered/words mentioned on the syllabus that were not even remotely covered in my own 1L property class (it doesn't matter where I went - they're all basically the same):

-earnest money deposit
-title insurance commitment
-taxes, assessments and proration
-municipal presale instructions
-obtaining a mortgage loan commitment
-the closing process (settlement statements, escrow, etc.)
-state disclosure requirements
-RESPA compliance
-state landlord-tenant eviction procedure

Here are the specific facilities/class exercises mentioned:

-"The students will learn how to prorate summer and winter taxes."
-"For their class project the students will prepare a work sheet, purchase agreement and addendum.  The instructor will play the role of the purchaser. The students will have 10 minutes to ask pertinent questions to find out what they need to know to prepare the necessary documents."
-"They will learn how to prepare the notice to quit, summons, complaint, judgment and writ of restitution."
-"The students will prepare a Seller’ Closing Statement, Purchaser’s Closing Statement and Warranty Deed."

What a vulgar trade school.  Don't they feel disgusting actually preparing real-life documents they might see in their future professional lives?  Here's what my property class decided to teach me and my "thinkin' like a lawyer" mind instead of these things:

-Pierson v. Post and the theory of property
-Two or three weeks of Fees Simple, Fee Tail, Life Estate, remainders, executory interests (is if "shifting" or is it "springing"?), etc.
-the RAP, Rule in Shelley's Case, etc.
-eminent domain, due process, Kelo, etc.
-voluntary, ameliorative, and permissive waste
-lateral and subjacent support
-attractive nuisance doctrine
-how the First Amendment and city ordinances interrelate
-housing discrimination laws

All you idiots whining about law schools not teaching a practical curriculum are, well, idiots.  If you wanted the practical "this is how you lawyer on a day to day basis" education, you should have gone to get yourself a paralegal certificate.

But you chose something better.  You chose to be the doctor, not the nurse.  You chose to be the guy or gal who could not only help Everyday Anne, but who also knew an adverse possessor who claimed an interest void under the RAP like *that.*  You and I learned theory, had our minds crushed and reshaped to understand rights and justice, because these concepts are foreign to most Americans and cannot be learned through everyday practice.  THEY MUST TAUGHT IN SCHOOL BY TENURED PROFESSORS OF LAW.

Here's what something called "Kilgore College" teaches their paralegals about Torts and Personal Injury Law.  Only two weeks of intentional torts and then they have to fill the time by studying malpractice, workers' compensation, defamation, and automobile insurance.  They have them actually drafting pleadings - obviously these people are going to gain the ability to service most clients, but they aren't going to gain the critical thinking abilities that allow one to truly digest and pontificate about American civil justice or the nuances of Vosburg v. Putney or Rylands v. Fletcher.  They don't learn the rich history of actions for trover or the origins of product liability law that truly help one get Mildred her $30k from Big Insurance.

Here's a course from "Holmes College" that teaches Legal Research and Writing.  They teach literally every single major topic covered in my first-semester 1L writing class, plus they cover finding state statutes/municipal ordinances and some "cross-disciplinary" topics like jurisdiction and the rules of professional conduct.  Which, of course, means that they weren't trained in deep-thought areas like cognitive psychology, feminism, race relations, culinary anthropology, and numerous other areas that help lawyers lawyer.

They trained to be legal assistants and actually know what they're doing to service consumers.  YOU trained not to work for someone else, but to be an attorney at law, something much loftier.

If you wanted the practical skills to actually service clients, you should've gone to paralegal school.

So stop telling law schools they need to be more practical.  That option already exists, and YOU decided that you would rather subsidize pompous navel-gazing and hyperbole by pseudo-intellectual rentiers.

That was your choice, and might I add it was a good one.  Now, unlike a servant paralegal, you can set up your own office.  Why, with just a PC, a printer, and a suit and tie, you're ready to represent.  Don't worry if you didn't learn anything useful.  We only pick people who can swim on their own and leave those needing training to paralegal school.  Or something like that.

Sincerely,

Law School Truth Center

P.S.  Harvard graduates do quite well, and Harvard teaches much less practical information than Cooley.  Obviously, the less practical law you learn, the more employable you are.

P.S.S. Apply now and we'll throw in a FREE WATER BOTTLE at graduation (that's $15.00 of your own $160k salary you won't have to spend!)